The Anachronistic Adventures of Patch and Eddie
by nonjon
Summary: WIP. PostOotP. Harry gave his life to defeat Voldemort. So what should he do now? Hop through time with Dobby on some zany misadventures, of course. As if there really was an alternative.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

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* * *

PROLOGUE**

He was fanatically loyal to his Master. He followed his instructions and orders precisely and carried himself with a smile of pure pride in the knowledge that this would please his Master. He had all three ingredients and the soulstone.

It was time to begin.

He stood on a rock and leaned over the large cauldron. He had a small dusty bone in his hand.

"_Bone of the father, unknowingly given, you will renew your son!_" He yelled out and dropped the bone into the cauldron. Plumes of smoke began billowing out, and the cauldron was hissing.

"_Flesh of the servant, willingly given, you will revive your master._" He said with a determined look on his face. He then took a knife and cut his own right ear off. It was bleeding heavily and he dropped the ear into the cauldron. A small explosion of power sent thick dark smoke into the air. He did a quick and dirty job of burning the area near his ear to cauterize it and stop the bleeding.

A young blonde man thought he must have been hallucinating the absolute weirdest nightmare any dementor ever had induced. He couldn't resist it when his hand was forced over the cauldron and his kidnapper cut across his palm, dripping a fair amount of blood into the sizzling and smoking potion.

The loyal servant cut his Master's new worst enemy across the hand and exclaimed. "_Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken, you will resurrect your foe._"

The light was shimmering and shining in the potion now. The wind in the area was spiraling around them all.

The servant then threw the final piece necessary, the soulstone, into the cauldron and waited.

The blonde man was hyperventilating and freaking out. He had no idea what was going on but he didn't think it could possibly be good. He had been lapsing into moments of mania and insanity after what he thought was only his second night in Azkaban. But this one seemed so real. He didn't think it was a vision or a nightmare. It _felt_ real. But not even his most twisted subconscious could have imagined this happening.

The smoke and lights around the cauldron seemed to be building up. They were flashing and the color of the smoke went from dark, to blood red, to now thick white. There was a vicious flash of light and it all seemed to have stopped. The haziness began to lessen, and a figure was slowly rising from the cauldron.

The freshly reborn man looked down at his naked body and tried to figure out what had just happened. He was stretching his muscles and flexing his new body. It seemed an awful lot like the last one actually. He looked over to the side, and saw his most loyal servant with an ugly head wound from where his ear used to be. All of a sudden, his head cleared, and he remembered the plan that apparently was a monumental success. He happily exclaimed, "Sweet! Dobby, you rule!"

It was at this moment, Draco realized this wasn't a nightmare. He really had just been an unwilling participant in the resurrection of Harry Potter. By his childhood house elf, whom he remembered best as the one who kept scolding Draco for touching himself when he was younger.

It was too much for the man sentenced to Azkaban for life. Draco pleaded. "Oh dear Merlin. Please kill me." He had tears running down his face. "Kill me now. I'm begging you."

Harry was putting on the robe Dobby had brought for him. He scolded his young friend. "Dobby! You know better than this."

Draco was moaning and having a hissy fit.

Dobby dropped his head in shame. "Sorry, Master Harry."

Harry shook his head. "Dobby. What did I say are the rules for the darkest, blackest magic?

"Only in emergencies?" Dobby guessed.

"Right, that too. But the motto you stick to?" Harry responded.

Dobby smiled. "Oh yes, Master. When in doubt: obliviate, obliviate, obliviate, and obliviate some more." The last one was said while looking into Draco's eyes and snapping his fingers.

Harry smiled and nodded. "Exactly. Now, it's time to fix that ear for you. Are you sure you want to go through with this? I know it might seem like a great idea now, but it's going to be permanent, so you better be sure."

Dobby had a serious look on his face. "I'm sure, Master Harry. I want it."

Harry was a bit hesitant but was going to hold up his end of the bargain. He pulled out his wand, and remembered the dark transfiguration. "All right, Dobby, now hold still. This may hurt a bit. I'm really not sure." He readied himself and cast the spell, closely watching the area around his friend's ear and imagining the proper result.

Dobby cringed and grit his teeth, but held his ground with barely a tremble.

As Harry finished the spell, and sealed it permanently, he could feel his own connection to the new ear. Harry let out an exhausted sigh. "There you go, Dobby. One working magical donkey ear."

Dobby's eyes were wide at the feeling and sounds his new donkey ear was picking up. He arched it straight up. And then he folded it flat down. He stuck it up again. And then moved it back around his head a bit. He began twirling his ear up and in a clockwise motion. He paused, and then began twirling it in a counter clockwise motion. Finally he let it fall limply to the side of his head. He squealed with glee and ran forward hugging Harry. "Oh thank you, Master Harry, it is wonderful."

Harry shook his head and smiled. "You're welcome Dobby, and you can stop calling me Master any time you want."

Dobby nodded and was pleased to feel his new ear flap against his head. "Of course Master. I will try, Master."

Harry should have expected that answer. "Alright, so are we on schedule?" Harry asked.

"Yes sir. Your memorial is in just a few hours. They're going to scatter your ashes across the Hogwarts Lake."

Harry frowned. "I got cremated. Hmm. That could make explaining this body a bit trickier if we go with Plan A."

"Actually, most of your body was pretty much incinerated through your magic. You were basically a charred husk. But I got your soulstone before anyone noticed." Dobby explained with a smile.

"Excellent. I felt Riddle go, and I'm pretty sure he didn't give up until all the Death Eaters had been drained to their death too. So did the aurors interrogate the Ponce over there and get any other unmarked Death Eaters?"

"No, sir. They arrested him, and decided to simply give him veritaserum. His acting counsel agreed under the conditions that he would be getting a bargain for all the other arrests his interrogation led to." Dobby snickered a bit. "Interrogating him found there were no other known or active unmarked followers, but he admitted guilt to a great many crimes. He was given a life sentence to Azkaban."

Harry smiled. "Karma can be so sweet sometimes. Alright, let's clean this up and go watch the memorial service. We need to decide on plan A or plan B. If we do plan B, I've got a surprise for us."

Harry cast an _Ennervate_ on Draco. The blonde man was shaking his head trying to figure out where he was, and what he last remembered. He looked up and saw Harry Potter in perfect health smiling at him and healing a cut on Draco's palm.

Draco gasped and stuttered out "But, but… you're dead."

"Who could have guessed?" Harry said with a smile and shrug. "I'm immortal."

Draco heard the words and then spotted his old house elf with what appeared to be the ear of a donkey growing out of the side of his head. It was too much for him and he fainted.

Harry said. "Can you take him back to Azkaban now, Dobby?"

Dobby nodded and snapped his fingers. Both he and Draco disappeared from the forest clearing.

Harry realized they were gone already and mumbled out to the empty air, "Tell Bob, 'Hi' if you see him."

* * *

_Three days ago…_

Harry knew this was going to work. Albus's twinkleless eyes betrayed him. He said it wouldn't work because it required Harry to sacrifice his life. But Harry could tell he was lying. Albus can tell half-truths and his twinkle usually goes up, but when he's flat-out lying his eyes dull completely.

Severus Snape had been discovered as a traitor and Voldemort made an example of him. Now for the past three months they didn't even have any insight into what the Death Eaters were up to. They had no warning and the attacks were getting worse and worse by the day. It was only by luck that Harry discovered he could force his own magic through his link into Voldemort. He was trying to slip through a legilimens spell and get any sort of insight into their plans. In trying to be subtle he considered casting a notice me not charm onto his own consciousness. It was one of those so incredibly ridiculous things no one in their right mind would ever think it would work.

And so of course it didn't. Failed miserably in fact, but the magic was called up and sent down the link. It certainly alerted Voldemort to the presence working its way into his mind. Voldemort forcefully ejected Harry and reinforced his own shields.

And so Harry spent his summer after graduation at Hogwarts researching in the library for magical links that are actually conduits for magic. Considering it was only his magic tying him to his body and this earth, Harry managed to theorize that if he could flood the link with enough magic it could annihilate Tom's barriers and give him a complete wide open shot at the Dark Lord.

Unfortunately the research on the links and magical conduits made Harry realize that the Dark Mark served Tom the same purpose. And so Harry would need to funnel enough energy to incinerate every marked Death Eater as well. That would take an awful lot of magic. And Harry certainly was ridiculously powerful. Probably every bit as much so as Tom was. But it wouldn't be enough.

Finally after a few weeks of researching he managed to piece the puzzle all together and discovered a way to make it work. The drawback to this was that it required Harry be in front of Tom and be connected to him in a second way, either through a magical bond, or spell. And then the idea is to just juice his entire magic and go boom. Well not physically explode, just rather than cast magic, actually convert your own life energy into magic and truly put every last bit of your magic into it.

Harry knew how hopeless their cause was looking at the moment. And he knew he had one guaranteed free ticket into Voldemort's headquarters. But it would only work once, so he hadn't even attempted it yet. Voldemort had protections and enchantments and secrecy spells all over their main base of operations. But he had neglected putting any sort of limit on house elf movement or magic within it.

"Dobby!" Harry called out once he was in the Room of Requirement.

The house elf appeared. "Yes Master Harry?"

"Do you have time for a chat now? I think I'd like to call in a favor."

Dobby nodded. "Of course, Master Harry. What can I do for you?"

Harry frowned. "Dobby, you know you're my friend. I've hired you because I can use your help, not because I wish to be your Master. But you know this. So why do you still call me Master?"

Dobby smiled. "Dobby knows. And Dobby's proud to be your friend. But Dobby is also proud to be your servant. It's about respect for you, not demeaning to Dobby."

Harry shook his head. "You slipped back into talking about yourself in the third person again. But Harry still enjoys it. And Harry is thinking about something Dobby said."

Dobby was now sitting down across from Harry and rolled his eyes. "What was that… Harry?"

"Thank you, Dobby. Your description of yourself as a servant is giving me an idea."

Dobby smiled and clapped his hands. "Is this an idea of the kind that the Headmaster would call harebrained?"

Harry chuckled. "Oh yeah. Big time."

Dobby was almost bouncing in his seat from excitement.

Harry put on his best car salesman cheesy voice, "How would you, my friend and loyal servant, Dobby," Harry cleared his throat a bit and continued, "like to do a highly illegal dark magic potion ritual and resurrect me after I've sacrificed my own life killing Voldemort and most likely all his Death Eaters?"

"Would I ever!" Dobby exclaimed. "This sounds great!"

Harry just chuckled. "Dobby, I think you like the really evil dark magic a little too much."

Dobby shrugged and smiled. "It makes me tingle painfully, in a good way. Besides I learned from the best."

And he certainly did. Harry had managed to tutor Dobby in wizard magic using his house elf magic. Harry had no idea why or how Dobby was able to do wizard magic but knew it would make for an extremely useful hidden talent. Dobby had a theory that Harry was not a very big fan of. Dobby came to the conclusion that Harry Potter was like some highly radioactive magical entity and he actually mutated the people around him.

Harry seriously wondered if Dobby just made that up to annoy him. It would be completely out of character for Dobby, but Harry knew that Dobby was a bit more mischievous than most people give him credit for. Harry certainly wasn't ruling out the possibility.

Dobby just smiled innocently. "So I take it, before I said 'servant' you were going to ask me to pop you right next to the Dark Lord?"

Harry was still piecing together his plan. "Yes. I would like you to stay, and stay hidden while it is going on. I will need him to curse me, and then I will feed the energy through the links. I'm going to be wearing a soulstone. That will guarantee a link for me to be able to come back. After I'm dead, and hopefully they all are too, grab the soulstone and get out of there."

Dobby was nodding and thinking about dark magics.

"I'm going to stun and capture Draco. I don't know how he honestly thinks we believe he is a double agent for us. It's a bit insulting how little respect he has for us." Harry explained. "Then I will send him to the aurors with a letter. I'll explain to them, I'm about to kill Voldemort and that's going to most likely kill every marked Death Eater. Draco is an unmarked Death Eater and may know more. He's at least guilty of some ugly crimes. But he's the link to any other unmarked ones."

Dobby was mildly impressed with this plan.

"I'm also going to send goodbye letters to all my friends. Only you and I will know about the resurrecting. Once I'm back, we'll figure out what to do. Perhaps a massive prank, we can see if I can maybe give Dumbledore a heart attack. Or maybe Harry Potter will stay dead, and I can live like an anonymous normal wizard. I'd like for you to come with me, if you want to, Dobby, either way, but it's completely up to you."

"You're not getting rid of me that easily." Dobby said with a smile.

Harry smiled back. "Excellent. Because you're going to need to sacrifice some of your flesh to bring me back."

"Again?" Dobby whined.

Harry nodded. "But I can be like the Dark Lord and give you one back. I can even make it better for you."

Dobby nonchalantly asked, "Does it matter what sort of flesh? Can it be _anywhere_ I choose?"

Harry paled. "Eww, Dobby. That's a bit scary. But I suppose it could be anywhere."

Dobby smiled. "Oh good. Because I've always wanted a bigger,"

Harry quickly began using occlumency techniques to ease his mind.

"donkeyish"

Harry whimpered.

"ear." Dobby finished.

That was not what Harry was expecting to hear. He looked at Dobby. Scrutinizing him closely, he realized the insane little bugger was serious. He wanted a donkey ear. Harry briefly imagined the coming conversation and did not feel adequately prepared for it, so he simply replied, "Okay."

Dobby smiled broadly. "Dobby will resurrect you, Master! Oh it will be such fun!"

Harry went over the plan for Dobby many times and they made sure they had all their bases covered. Dobby had memorized the ritual, and was going to enact a temporary connection to Draco once Harry captured him. They figured he would work perfectly for the enemy, and if he got put into prison quick enough no one would even notice he went missing. Harry wrote out a number of letters to the friends that he considered his family. He transfigured Draco into a ferret, locked him a featherweight cage, and sent him off to Auror Shacklebolt with a note. He mailed out all the other letters now too. Harry turned to Dobby. "Are you ready for this?"

Dobby nodded with a wicked smile. "Yes, Master Harry."

Harry smiled. "Excellent, Dobby. Next time I see you should be in the clearing of the Forbidden Forest where my parents are buried then. Whenever you're ready, pop us there and stay invisible."

Dobby nodded. He took a deep breath and snapped his fingers.

Voldemort's head shot up at the appearance of the Boy-Who-Lived in his lair's meeting room. "Potter!"

Harry realized he happened to have struck gold. They were in the middle of some sort of meeting. "Tom, you know your mama's so fat she fell in love and broke it."

"_Crucio_!" the enraged Dark Lord screeched.

Harry just smiled and stood his ground. He reached out his hand to take the Unforgivable. This was exactly what Harry was hoping for.

* * *

Albus Dumbledore was surprised to see Hedwig delivering him a letter. He had talked to Harry just a few hours ago. "Oh dear," Albus said, remembering his earlier discussion with Harry. He read through his letter from Harry with a sad smile on his face. "Oh Harry, I hope you know what you've done." 

It was moments later that Kingsley Shacklebolt was sticking his head through the Headmaster's floo. "Albus! The crazy bugger did what he said. We registered a ginormous magical phenomenon and went to investigate. Throughout the place were over a hundred dead Death Eaters. One room in particular we found two different corpses. One's a charred husk and the other is just a pile of silvery pink melted flesh. We're pretty sure Harry is charred and the pile of muck is what's left of the Dark Lord."

Albus nodded, "Yes that would be correct. The force of the magic should have burnt Harry from the inside out, and if the Dark Lord's hold on his magic and body failed it could have literally melted even his bones. Anyways, I will come now and make sure no one touches Harry's body. I am going to make sure it is him, and will take care of his funeral. He asked that I not allow the Ministry to handle it."

Kingsley chuckled. "Yeah, that sounds about right. Here, I'll hold the grate open. Hop on through."

The news spread like wildfire across the wizarding world. Anywhere there was a marked Death Eater in public, they all saw them flail on the floor clutching their arms in pain. Before one by one collapsing and dying in the streets and in stores and restaurants. It didn't take long for people to piece things together and the word to spread. Voldemort was dead. And the early report was Harry Potter gave his life to make sure the Dark Lord died for good.

There were an awful lot of parties going on this evening, and when a Special Edition of the Daily Prophet came out this late at night, the parties got louder and there were countless number of toasts in Harry Potter's name. But on this night of celebration and joy, there were a number of people unhappy. These were the ones who had heard the news as they received their letters. People like Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley. They were all quiet and sniffling around Grimmauld Place. Many people broke into tears while others just decided they didn't want to be sober right now. Quite a few songs for Harry were sung off-key all through the night.

The next morning seemed to turn a new leaf for almost everyone in the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black. It started with Ginny Weasley walking around with a smile in the early hours. When asked about it, she explained, "I woke up sad and I missed Harry. But before I even got out of bed, I reread the letter he'd given me and the words he'd written provided me all the comfort I needed. This was Harry being his typical hyper-noble self, giving us all the gift of peace and the most incredible immediate complete victory in the war. Appreciate the gift, celebrate his life, but if you know Harry at all, he's just going to feel guilty if we're all moping around forever."

Her attitude spread to just about everyone else, and by the time night rolled around they were throwing some of their own parties there at Grimmauld Place. They were still mourning the loss of their friend, but there were a lot more smiling crying faces where there once were just sad teary-eyed hollow shells of people. They continued to celebrate both the end of the war and the life of their friend for the next couple days.

Today was going to be Harry Potter's funeral and small memorial. Well, Albus had intended it to be small but there were a lot of people insisting on paying their respects. The early indications were that Albus was throwing the party of the decade. Harry's body had been identified but it was beyond repair and as such they had him cremated. Albus was going to sprinkle him into the Lake. He actually chose that over just letting the wind in a top tower take him because Albus actually feared that people would try and catch some of him if they did it simply in the air. Albus felt something going on in the Forbidden Forest. He had magical sensors picking up activity not far from where James and Lily were buried. But he didn't have time for this now.

He placed a firecall to Grimmauld Place. "Remus?"

Remus Lupin walked over to the fireplace. "Yes Albus?"

"I need a favor please, Remus. I'm swamped with the preparations for the funeral, and we've just detected some magic happening near James and Lily's resting place. It could be nothing, like some Hogsmeade kids hiding from Ministry sensors, or it could be something else. Do you mind?"

Remus hopped through the floo. "No sir, not at all. It's been a while since I've been out there. I'm going to borrow a broom from the Quidditch shed, and I'll let you know what I find."

Remus made it back to the clearing he knew so well. He couldn't believe James got Lily to agree to be buried here. He was pretty sure Lily didn't understand why it was special to him. He pitied James for whenever Lily found out that this was where James lost his deer virginity well before Lily ever admitted to even liking him. Briefly he contemplated the idea of Harry having some magical stag half-brothers running through the forest before remembering Harry was gone. Remus sat there with a smile and told Lily and James's grave markers all about their son.

Somewhere in Heaven, Lily was chasing after her husband with a frying pan. She was screaming "You took me there for a picnic on our first date, you whore!" Sirius had to shift into Padfoot and run outside before he wet himself. He barked out, "Nice one, Moony."

Hordes and hordes of people and reporters turned out for the funeral. They ended up moving it to the Quidditch Pitch when they realized how many people were coming.

Shortly before they were to begin Remus came back from the Forest. Albus asked, "Did you discover the source of the disturbance, Remus?"

Remus shook his head. "I checked out the area, and it was clean. Graves looked undisturbed, and the area showed no signs of struggle or destruction. So if someone did anything they cared enough for the graves to not harm them." Remus was a bit hesitant but continued. "I could feel a strong sense of dark magic lingering in the air, and well, my nose picked up three distinct scents that frankly worry me."

Albus raised an eyebrow. "And what was that?"

Remus sighed and replied, "Well, I'm pretty sure I smelled Draco Malfoy, who should be in Azkaban. I contacted Kingsley through our communication medallions and he had Draco's cell double-checked on. Draco is there and seems to be falling towards insanity already."

Albus was thinking about this one. "And the other two scents?"

Remus continued. "Blood, and not just Draco's but some other blood too. And this part scares me the most, but the third scent was… _donkey_."

Albus eyebrows jumped at that. "That is… worrisome."

Albus began thinking about the elements involved. They seemed to lead towards a completely unlikely conclusion. Harry had died. And now there are signs of dark magic that include potentially bone of his father, and blood of his enemy. He began to wonder if Harry had previously had an extremely loyal donkey no one knew about. And then Albus remembered Dobby had resigned the day of Harry's death. He had assumed it was grief, but now he wasn't so sure.

Remus noticed a moment of dawning understanding pass across Albus's otherwise impassive face. "What is it? What do you know?"

Albus smiled. "Remus, sometimes as one strives for understanding, we discover the truth is that we would all be better off not knowing. I will tell you if this is what I suspect it may be, then neither of us need know it. That is why I will not pursue that avenue any further and I ask you to consider doing the same. Come now let us go celebrate the life of Harry Potter."

Remus clearly was lacking the insight Albus had, but he took his words for what they were. And Remus was pretty sure he did _not_ want to know anything more about a situation that involved Draco Malfoy, blood, and a donkey. "Very well, Albus. I suspect you are right. Who knows maybe if we listen closely we can hear Harry damning us to hell for embarrassing him like this."

Albus had a smile full of mirth. "Oh, most certainly. Harry was always too humble for his own good. I think this will be good for us and for the morale of the future of the wizarding world."

Harry and Dobby were now invisible and hidden underneath the Gryffindor stands of the Quidditch Pitch. It looked as bad as the Quidditch World Cup. There were thousands upon thousands of people still filing into seats on the magically enlarged stands. "Dobby, are my eyes playing tricks on me, or does it look like the Goblet of Fire is the urn holding my ashes?"

Dobby replied by laughing and pointing at Harry.

Albus stood at the podium next to the black flaming Goblet of Fire. A large picture of a smiling Harry Potter was on display behind it. Albus began. "Friends, we are gathered here not to mourn for our lost hero and savior, but to celebrate his life and rejoice in the gift of peace he has spread across the world. Harry James Potter was born to two of the most wonderful and loving people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. And with his death, he has left behind a legacy of caring, devotion, a little stupidity, and a lot of love.

"I could regale you with countless tales of immeasurable bravery and strength that many of you would still find hard to believe. But I prefer to think the moments that define him best were when he wasn't aware of the façade he forced himself to wear as The-Boy-Who-Lived. When he was just another scared eleven year old putting on the sorting hat. Or a fearless twelve year old illegally brewing NEWT level potions so he could break into the Slytherin common room."

There were a few gasps from the crowd at that comment and Harry saw Ron and Hermione both pale and look at each other.

Albus chuckled. "Oh yes, people, among the many titles we thrust upon Harry, we mustn't forget one of the ones he wore with pride behind closed doors. He was definitely the son of a Marauder. Why if he weren't dead already I think Minerva might kill him if she found out he was the reason she and Mrs. Norris got-"

"Albus! This is not the time or place!" an enraged Professor McGonagall screamed out.

Albus had the decency to blush and remembered he was addressing thousands of people. Perhaps some secrets should be kept. "Of course, I apologize, Professor. As I was saying, Harry's greatest wish when he was younger was to have a family. In the Mirror of Erised, he saw only himself with his parents. No battles or successes nor anything special to most of us. But to him, the hope of a family was the one thing he longed for. I am proud to say he found a lot of that in his wide assortment of friends who he may or may not have realized really were his family.

"Many people have heard me say that Death is but the next great adventure. Harry Potter has died make no mistake about that. And I have no doubt that he has a whole lot of adventures ahead of him still. Thank you." Albus finished and walked away from the podium.

Harry looked down at Dobby. "You think he knows?"

Dobby nodded. "I think he even knows which plan you're going to choose."

"Meddling old fool." Harry mumbled.

Harry and Dobby listened in as several others went up to say things about Harry Potter. He heard Ron talk about his jealousy and in return's Harry's jealousy for Ron's family. He heard Hermione talk about how much he inspired her. He watched Ginny and Remus say their peace too. There were all a bunch of teary-eyed faces but they were almost all smiling too. This was what he really was hoping for. He saw Ron and Hermione huddling closer and leaning on each other. He saw Ginny and Dean do the same. He saw Remus blushing to whatever Hestia Jones whispered into his ear. He even saw Tonks smiling and watching Neville closely. Harry looked over and saw Neville sandwiched between the Patil twins and both girls had a hand on Neville's leg. "Go Neville" Harry whispered. All in all, Harry was feeling more and more like his friends would be just fine without him.

It was then he noticed who it was that was forcing their way up so they could say their peace. He appeared to have snuck around Albus and was now at the podium to speak. Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge addressed the immense crowd. "Friends, believe me when I say this: I will truly miss the light in my life that Harry Potter provided."

More than a few people snorted loudly at this.

Cornelius continued on ignoring the interruptions. "I remember the first time he met me ever since the fateful Halloween night he lost his parents. He was a bit in awe of meeting someone as important as I. He seemed shocked that I was a mere mortal like the rest of us, and that I even knew who he was."

Harry couldn't stand the bumbling politician. He knew he would try and take advantage of this for publicity and so he'd asked Albus to handle the funeral. Harry made a decision and cast a _Sonorus_ on himself.

A voice echoed throughout the Quidditch Pitch. "Actually Fudge, the first time I remember seeing you, you took one of my friends and threw him in Azkaban despite the fact that he was innocent and there was absolutely no evidence even pointing to him. Your words at the time were 'Got to be seen to be doing something.' So I guess taking innocent people and chucking them in Azkaban was my first impression of you."

Fudge paled while everyone in the stands stood up and began looking around. The voice seemed to be coming from all around them. Fudge asked, "Harry?"

"Yeah, that's me. Just minding my own business on my way to meet up with my folks and Sirius. Oh look, that's another innocent you left to rot in Azkaban. Fudge, do a dead man a favor and leave. If you're just here to spout your usual lies I don't think my friends would appreciate it."

Albus stood up and smiling brightly. "Harry, where are you? How are you able to talk to us like this?"

"Oh you know me. I'm on my way to Heaven and all still. Just thought I'd listen in on what you all had to say. Decided I couldn't stand listening to a politician try to win voters and chose to speak up. I think I might be breaking some rules by doing this but oh well. They'll forgive me. It's like the team mission statement up there. They're all about the forgiveness. Even if you kill several hundred people moments before dying apparently. Surprised me a bit to be honest."

Chuckles and snickers were spreading around the crowd.

"Anyways," Harry continued, "Thank you all for the kind words. I'm sure my friends can guess how uncomfortable they made me feel. I mean honestly, listening to some of you, it sounds like I was some special super-wizard. You all seem to miss the fact that I was just a normal wizard, no different from most of you."

The crowd's laughter swelled now and Harry had the distinct feeling they were laughing at him not with him.

"Seriously people. I had some good friends, a good life. I had the opportunity to do everyone a bit of good and took it. I'm sure almost anyone else would have done it in the same situation."

The laughter continued.

"I was a normal kid, dammit!"

The laughter wasn't letting up. Albus spoke from the podium. "Of course you were Harry. That's why you're arguing with us from beyond the grave." More snickering and chuckles drowned out Harry's quiet growling.

"I hate you, Headmaster." Apparently most everyone there could just imagine the frustration Harry was feeling and continued to laugh more.

"Alright fine. I think it's probably time for me to go. I wish you all well and lifetimes of happiness. But if you want something to remember by, remember this: I hope no one brought an umbrella."

And in that exact moment the sky darkened and began raining. But it was an extremely magical rain. Crowds began running for cover and pandemonium ensued as the sky opened up and spilled stink-sap all over the Hogwarts grounds. Albus had the presence of mind to shield himself as well as the Goblet containing Harry ashes. He just laughed as Harry got in some more last minute Marauder worthy havoc. He was almost certain he hadn't seen the last of Harry. He just didn't know when he would see or hear from him again.

Harry canceled the _Sonorus_ and looked over at his house elf friend hiding under the invisibility cloak with him. "Plan B, Dobby?"

Dobby nodded. "Plan B, Harry."

Harry smiled at his friend. "So what's going to be your new identity?"

Dobby puffed himself up proudly. "My name is Eddie. It came from the old name of Elf Dobby Donkey Ear. In the muggle world, I can be your slightly shorter human friend."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Eddie? Well Eddie, you don't exactly look like a normal human."

Dobby smiled. "I've prepared for this. If anyone asks, we will just explain to them that I am Canadian."

Harry nodded. "You know that's just crazy enough to work."

Dobby nodded. "I thought so. So, Master, who are you?"

Harry turned away from Dobby and was putting on his costume. He spun back around and faced him. He had an oversized eye patch over his right eye. He snarled back, "I'm Patch. And this way, anytime we're somewhere my scar could be recognized, I can just flip the patch up and cover it." He explained while demonstrating this maneuver. "There's a rumor going around that I may be the illegitimate love child of Mad-Eye Moody. They say I was born with a magical eye. And it makes me look dangerous." Harry finished with a small growl.

Dobby clapped. "Very good, Patch! It could also explain why you're mentally a bit slow."

"Exactly! Wait… what?"

Dobby just snickered and laughed.

"Anyways, so as I was saying before, I got to spend a couple days with my parents and Sirius while I was dead. I told them I was just there visiting but they didn't really believe me. When I felt you calling to me I told them I was leaving for a while but that I'd be back. Just before I left them, my dad and Sirius gave me some presents. Check these out." Harry said showing off his priceless bounty.

"Umm, Harry, or Patch, aren't those Bertie Bott's beans?"

Harry smiled. "Nope, these are magical beans! According to Prongs and Padfoot, we pop a couple of these and they will take us to a different place. And here's the best part: they will also take us to a different _time_."

Dobby looked at Harry and was thinking this sounded a bit harebrained.

"Come on Eddie, according to Prongs and Padfoot, it's all a sort of pure random luck of the draw."

"Patch. You are aware of your own past history when it comes to things of 'pure random luck', right?"

Harry nodded.

Dobby smiled brightly. "Just checking. Gimme a bean and let's see where we end up."

"Let's hold on to each other and eat at the same time."

"Hoot!" an owl exclaimed just as they were about to disappear.

"Hedwig! I didn't think you were coming." Harry explained. "After you ran off when I told you what your new name would be I thought you'd be sticking around here."

Hedwig just shook her head and hooted back at him the owl word for 'moron'.

"Eddie, I'd like you to meet Hooters, my owl. Hooters, this is my short human friend Eddie."

Hedwig sighed as best as she could.

Harry explained, "He's Canadian."

The two friends locked arms, and the owl gripped on tight. "Ready, Eddie? Hang on, Hooters. Here we go!" Patch said as he and Eddie bit down into their magical beans. The three disappeared without any sign of having been there.

_**

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Author's Note:** Oh good heavens this one bloomed into something slightly off-kilter. This one-shot turned into a prologue, which ended up much longer than most of my chapters will probably be. And so this story is born. Each chapter involves Harry and Dobby, or rather Patch and Eddie appearing at places in history, and occasionally the future. Maybe there's a reason people think Merlin was part-Demon. Maybe there's a different reason Slytherin left the school. Maybe there's a wonder in the world that's mysterious beginning isn't quite a wondrous as people imagined. No idea, but this way I've created a sandbox for some humorous one-shots in case I ever want to ask: what would happen if the Chinese triads hired Dobby to do assassinations? Or maybe not. But this isn't a storyline I will be updating or addressing frequently. Just whenever inspiration strikes. Comments, reviews, responses, and suggestions where you would like to see Patch and Eddie end up would be appreciated._


	2. The Land Before Time

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

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CHAPTER ONE – The Land Before Time**

Harry and Dobby landed and fell to the ground extremely dizzy.

Hedwig was making some angry sounds that were half-hearted at best. She couldn't fly straight to save her life and eventually just stopped moving her wings and fell the short distance to the ground like a rock.

"That was fun!" Harry happily exclaimed.

Dobby nodded, but then grasped his head because apparently nodding wasn't the most pleasant of sensations.

Harry stood up while Hedwig just rested on her back on the ground. He smiled at the head rush from standing, took two steps, and couldn't maintain his balance as he tipped over to his right and landed with a 'thunk'.

"Hmm. Okay. I think mild disorientation is a bit of a side effect of traveling this way." Harry explained from his prone position on the ground. "And does anyone know what that smell is?"

Hedwig lifted a wing and pointed towards the large brown rock pile providing them shade.

All three of them were beginning to feel relatively normal by now and the queasiness of disorientation had left them. It was quickly replaced by a queasiness from the wretched stank.

"What the heck kind of rock is that?" Harry asked as he went over to inspect it. He was prodding it with his finger. "It's soft." He laid his palm flat against it and pushed a bit. It gave some and made a slight slurping sound. "And wet."

Dobby spoke up. "Umm, Patch? I'm pretty sure that's not exactly rock. I think it's the end result of a creature's digestive system."

"Oh crap!" Harry yelped jumping back.

"Exactly," Dobby agreed with a bright smile.

"What in the world digests _that_ much?"

Dobby's large eyes widened. "A gigantic wingless dragon."

Harry turned to Dobby. "A gigantic wingless dragon?"

Dobby nodded solemnly and his donkey ear was perked up and at attention. "Yes, a gigantic wingless dragon."

"And why would you say that? And what is a gigantic wingless dragon?"

Hedwig took this opportunity to sit up, take notice of their situation, and run away from Harry and Dobby back towards a slightly wooded area. Whether she didn't feel up to flying or forgot she could, no one was sure. But Harry was still greatly amused to see an owl running on the ground.

"Well Master, err, Patch, I did not know gigantic wingless dragons were real before today."

Harry rolled his eyes. "And this massive pile of waste here convinced you they are real?"

Dobby looked a bit scared and was splitting his attention between looking at Harry, and looking over Harry's shoulder behind him. "Well, Patch, this massive pile made me think something gigantic was around. I'm only making a best guess now about the gigantic wingless dragon being the one responsible."

Harry finally caught on. He then remembered that owls don't normally go sprinting on the ground without reason. Not to mention Dobby seemed to be paying more attention to something behind Harry rather than looking him in the eyes. And of course the loud breathing and blocking of the sun behind him were the final clues for Harry to put it all together. "Hey Eddie?"

"Yes Patch?"

"Is there a gigantic wingless dragon behind me right now?"

"Yes Patch."

"Does he look angry?"

"He doesn't look happy, but he looks more curious and confused."

"Do you think we could befriend him?"

"I'm not sure this is the right time or place for that, Patch. I suppose I should point out that he seems to have a significant part of a smaller dragon stuck in his teeth."

"Oh. Well in that case…" And before Harry finished his sentence, he ran straight over and grabbed his friend Dobby and started sprinting away as fast as his little legs could carry him.

The gigantic wingless dragon seemed to be chasing them given the loud roaring and ground trembling with each step it took. Harry had still not taken the opportunity to look at it, but he felt running away was more important at the moment than getting a better look at the gigantic wingless dragon.

Dobby had his arms wrapped around Harry's neck and was just watching the gigantic monster chasing them while he rested his head on Harry's shoulder. He kept repeating 'Faster, Master' like a mantra to keep the beast away. A few times he'd say 'Masfer, Fasser' and Harry would giggle.

They caught up with Hedwig who was still waddling as fast as she could, and Harry scooped her up too. Harry leapt over some overturned trees and found a ravine. As soon as they passed by some more trees he quickly stopped in a small enclave and threw his invisibility cloak over the three of them. Hedwig was obediently staying quiet. Harry was trying to catch his breath as quietly as he could while he watched a gigantic wingless dragon step right over them and continue running through the dense foliage. It was clearing a path better than any bulldozer could have.

Harry finally got a look at the massive beast and realized that it was not exactly a gigantic wingless dragon. He whispered out, "Eddie. That's not exactly a gigantic wingless dragon."

Dobby quietly whispered back "What is it?"

"That's a Tyrannosaurus Rex. A dinosaur."

The danger appeared to be pretty far past them now. Dobby stuck his head out the enclave and looked around in all directions. "A dinosaur? I've never heard of them."

Harry shook his head. "I'm not surprised. They haven't been around for a long time."

Harry pulled out his wand to confirm what he had already figured out. "_Tempus._"

The spell responded with a slight haze. '65 Million B.C.'

"Well the beans work," Harry assured them.

Dobby's eyes were wide. Hedwig would have fallen again if Harry wasn't holding onto her.

"We traveled over 65 Million years into the past?" Dobby asked.

Harry nodded.

"Are there very many wizards around this time?"

Harry shook his head. "I doubt it. I think it's going to be a really, really long time before humans evolve." He paused before adding, "Or God creates Adam and Eve, if you prefer."

Dobby began taking off his shirt. "So we can be naked and no one can punish us for it."

Harry wasn't familiar with this side of Dobby. "Sure, go ahead. Personally, I prefer wearing clothes, but don't let me stop you."

Hedwig took this opportunity to cough up a small present and remind Harry he was still holding her.

"Oh sorry, Hooters."

Hedwig shook herself off a bit and flew up into the air.

Dobby had finished putting on his birthday suit. Or at least as close as he was going to get.

"Keeping the socks, Eddie?" Harry asked.

"Of course, Patch. I'm not a savage."

Harry agreed with him and nodded. "You do realize you're awfully pink, and there are probably a few more wingless dragons around here that might see you as meat."

Dobby thought about that and agreed it made sense. "Okay, I'll tell you what. Next time one of us is nearly something's lunch I'll try and hide my own tastiness."

Harry shrugged.

Approximately two seconds later, Hedwig came flying by at top speed screeching "HOOT!" the whole way. She nearly cuffed Harry on the ear, as he began swatting at the non-existent bug next to his head now. Immediately following Hedwig was a massive pterodactyl flying full speed with its mouth wide open apparently intent on having owl for lunch.

"Hooters!" Harry yelled out to his owl.

Hedwig doubled back and was headed towards Harry. She saw Harry had drawn his wand and quickly dove straight down.

"_Petrificus Totalus_!" Harry exclaimed and caught the massive reptile right in the chest with it.

The creature's body froze and continued on its current path. It slammed through some tree branches before catching a piece of trunk and crashing down to the forest floor. The ruckus created seemed to draw even more attention to the area's newcomers.

Dobby was grumbling about 'mutant wizard luck' while he reluctantly was putting his clothes back on.

A smaller creature had snuck its head around a tree and was looking at Harry curiously. Hedwig was resting on harry's shoulder for now and didn't like the looks of the thing.

The creature was about Dobby's size and some sort of dinosaur. It jumped around quite quickly and seemed especially skittish.

Dobby was keeping his distance, but Harry stayed where he was while the little thing slowly made its way closer. It hopped up on a log about five feet from Harry and the protective owl on his shoulder.

Harry smiled at the funny looking little thing.

It may have read this as a sign of weakness, or feared an attack was coming. Or perhaps it just didn't like the look of Harry's smile. It opened its mouth wide and led out an extremely weird rattling sound as some sort of wings or flanks extended from behind its head. It hissed out an angry warning.

Harry tried smiling again.

The creature made a loud 'gack' sound and spit at Harry. Thankful for his Quidditch reflexes, Harry jumped out of the way in time while Hedwig jumped off and flew away. Harry watched as its spit seemed to be burning through some of the foliage it had hit. Harry responded in the most logical way he could. He spit back at it.

Apparently, this wasn't the response neither Dobby nor Hedwig wanted. As evidenced by the fact that Dobby let out a sad little whimper, while Hedwig who had set up perch on top of Dobby's head, just dropped her head and shook it.

The creature on the other hand took a direct hit from Harry. It barely moved and seemed somewhat dazed at what had happened. Harry was wondering if his ability to spit made the odd little bugger think he was kin of some sort. When the creature shook its head and rattled and spit again, Harry realized that he wasn't out of the woods just yet.

So he spit back at the creature and hit it again.

The two hopped around each other spitting back and forth. Harry kept dodging in time, while the small dinosaur apparently wasn't quick enough or didn't care enough to avoid Harry's saliva bombs. This continued for quite some time.

Dobby was now settled comfortably resting against a tree while Hedwig watched the scene aghast still on the top of Dobby's head. Every once in a while Dobby's donkey ear would tickle Hedwig tail feathers and then move back before she could notice. Hedwig was getting quite irritated and couldn't catch what was tickling her. Eventually, she bent down and bit onto the donkey ear she was sure was to blame.

"Yeowch!" Dobby yelled.

This significantly distracted Harry, who was having so much fun he completely lost track of everything around him other than his spitting foe. The dinosaur took this opportunity and nailed Harry on the arm for its first hit.

"Yeowch!" Harry yelled. The spit was burning his flesh quite painfully and he quickly rubbed it off. He was swinging his hit arm in an attempt to make the pain lessen. Exactly how that would be accomplished by this maneuver no one really knew, but Harry has always been an odd one.

The spit covered face of the smaller dinosaur was bobbing up and down in what was unmistakably laughter.

Harry didn't take to kindly to this mockery and kicked the thing quite hard. Most likely his magic was fueling his emotions, since normally he would not have been able to kick it more than a few feet. Certainly not high enough and far enough to disappear from sight.

Harry could only wince and yell out "Sorry!" to the crazy spitting little bugger as he disappeared over the horizon.

Dobby was rubbing and massaging his donkey ear, and surprisingly became the voice of reason. "Now that you're done punting the natives for a little while, perhaps we should consider taking another bean? We're several million years from civilization, and more likely to get eaten than anything else here."

Hedwig was vigorously nodding her head.

Harry frowned. "Fine. We can go soon since there won't be a whole lot here, not to mention something makes dinosaurs go extinct and I don't think we want to stick around for that."

Dobby was mildly impressed by the maturity Harry was showing.

"But before we go, I have got to ride a dinosaur." Harry explained with a smile.

Hedwig was wishing she hadn't coughed up that meal so that she could crap on Harry right now.

Dobby sighed and his donkey ear drooped in sadness. "Hey. How big does the dinosaur you ride have to be?"

Harry shrugged. "It doesn't have to be a T-Rex. Just something that can support me and preferably won't eat me."

Hedwig looked up at Harry and was cursing him owlishly for his ominous choice of words. She was still holding out hope that he would learn one of these life lessons in a way other than the hard way.

Dobby pointed to his left. "What about that guy? He might let you ride him."

Harry snapped his head towards the dinosaur barely fifteen away. "Velociraptor. My memory is a bit hazy but I think there's something I should remember about this type."

Hedwig saw two more velociraptors subtly slinking towards Harry. She took this opportunity and avoiding any sudden movements, she slowly began to fly up into the air.

Dobby asked. "Are they friendly? Because this guy looks like he's smiling." Dobby nodded and smiled. "He's so excited, he's drooling."

The good sized dinosaur began taking slow steps towards Harry.

Harry stepped in front of it and remembering when he first met Buckbeak, bowed out of respect. It was a good thing too, because at the exact moment he ducked another velociraptor leapt at him from his blind spot and let out a vicious snarl.

Dobby was startled. "Feisty, aren't they?"

Harry smiled. "Aww. These guys want to play."

Harry walked up to the first one that was still standing in front of him and slapped it soundly across the face.

The velociraptor looked at Harry in absolute bafflement.

Harry could only laugh at his new friend's expression. When he couldn't take it, he doubled over laughing at the sheer astonishment on the velociraptor's face. This too was a good thing as a third velociraptor from Harry's other side's blind spot let out a loud war cry and flung his body and sharp claws towards Harry's head.

"Geez Louise! You nearly took my head off. I think we all need to settle down before someone does something they regret." Harry explained to the three velociraptors slowly circling and enclosing in on him.

Dobby took this as his cue to slink away and hide.

Harry was beginning to wonder if dinosaurs differentiated between the way they play with their friends and the way they play with their food. Or if their friends were their food.

The velociraptor on Harry's left lunged towards him only to be quickly repelled several hundred feet by a strong banishing charm. Harry was keeping his eye on the other two velociraptors still circling him. And he was keeping an ear open to hear if the one he banished was coming back. Sure enough he heard a fast approaching rustling sound. When the velociraptor was in sight it was already in a high leap lined up to land right on Harry.

Harry aimed his wand and nailed the beast right in the chest with a stunner. The velociraptor landed awkwardly and was stumbling as it walked around. It seemed the stunner wasn't enough to knock the velociraptor unconscious, but it clearly affected it. Even still Harry was unprepared for when the dinosaur sneezed. Its head rocked back and it let out a second much louder sneeze.

Harry didn't know what the heck was going on but the other two velociraptors were still circling him as though he was prey. Any time they'd get very close Harry would send a '_Stupefy_' their way. They were real quick and avoided the spells but hadn't been able to close the distance. Harry was beginning to get a little worried and wondered where Dobby and Hedwig were.

Harry was managing to hold his ground and keep the two active velociraptors back. The other one was just sitting on its rump and shaking its head back and forth. Every thirty seconds like clockwork, it would let out a sneeze that was as loud as or louder than the one before. Harry was beginning to wonder if it was going to continue and eventually sneeze itself to death.

It was then that Harry heard his hero.

There was a loud rumbling coming from Harry's left. Dobby's voice could be heard in the distance. "Hop on, Patch!"

The two circling velociraptors even paused in their stalking to assess this new coming threat. Harry quickly recognized the charging beast as a triceratops. Dobby was standing on its head, holding onto two of its horns like ski poles. Dobby was bending at the waist and bouncing with each bob of the triceratops head. It appeared Dobby could steer by leaning and slalomed through the trees. The triceratops came crashing through the slight clearing the velociraptors had trapped Harry at. As it rumbled by, Harry reached out and grabbed Dobby's hand and swung himself onto the back of the rampaging dinosaur.

An especially high-pitched "oomph," was all Harry said as he landed a bit roughly on a particularly sensitive spot. Harry regained feeling in the necessary places and turned around and saw the velociraptors begin to give chase before shortly pulling back.

Harry and Dobby were smiling and enjoying the dinosaur ride, while Hedwig flew above them and used the opportunity for a little moving target practice.

The rampaging triceratops made it out of the tree line and into a grassy plain of sorts. The brush was thick, and the ground was uneven. The triceratops tripped and flipped over its own body and was careening towards a sharp rock face.

Harry and Dobby both flew clear away a good fifteen feet into the air before rolling with their landings and letting out painful whimpers. The triceratops slammed into the rock face with a loud 'whump'.

Harry and Dobby slowly sat up and made sure they had all their bits and pieces. Dobby spent a few moments double and triple checking his special ear. They both looked over at their erstwhile savior and saw the triceratops was not doing well. It appeared its hide was too tough for even those rocks, but it was clearly debilitated. It couldn't stand and was acting as though it were drunk.

Dobby sighed and mumbled about 'mutant luck'.

Harry then realized their abrupt stop had attracted a fair amount of attention. And primarily that of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The T-Rex was quite happy to have such a large meal gift wrapped for him and was hungrily nearing the dazed triceratops. Harry knew he had to help their hero and the first dinosaur he ever got to ride.

He doubted a stunner would do anything, if it just gave a velociraptor sneezing fits. He could try and juice up the spell a bit, but even with that, it was unlikely considering the size of the T-Rex. Remembering back to first year, and dealing with a troll at eleven, they wouldn't have been able to stun that one either. Getting the idea he spotted a large rock stuck in the ground in the distance. He wasn't sure how far into the ground it was or how much power it would take. But directly in between Harry and the rock was the T-Rex. Patch knew this had to work.

He quickly focused his strength and his magic and yelled out, "_Accio rock!_"

Highly unfortunate for him, Harry's old spitting foe had made it all the way back to here from his one way boot trip to the horizon. And chose this moment to jump on Harry and hiss and rattle quite loudly. Having a small dinosaur land on Harry in mid-spell knocked him back and his spell went almost straight up into the air. He lost his focus on the spell but managed to maintain his strength and the summoning charm disappeared into the sky.

Dobby saw the creature had pinned Harry down and appeared to be about to spit right in his face. Dobby saw his chance and took it. He started by screaming "Nooooo!" and continued screaming it for the couple of seconds it took him to sprint over towards Harry. Everyone around paused and turned to look at the oddly screaming elf. Right as he neared Harry and the dinosaur, Dobby planted his right hand and swung his body around to be facing away from Harry and the spitter. Dobby tucked in his little legs before donkey-kicking them straight out with as much force as he could into the left flank of the spitter.

The poor little dinosaur was launched quickly high into the air and was a line drive shot that landed right in the T-Rex's open, drooling mouth.

Harry sat up and said, "You know, my luck really isn't all that bad."

Hedwig took this moment to reappear and bite down hard on Harry's ear.

"Yeowch!" Harry yelled. "Don't take out your cramps on me, woman."

Hedwig bit him again and pointed into the sky with her wing.

Harry yelped at the second bite but looked at what she was pointing to. It looked like there was a tiny dot in the sky. As he watched it, Harry thought the dot was getting bigger. It even appeared to have a slight orange halo around the rapidly growing dot.

Dobby had been carrying a bean to eat in case of emergency. He realized he had lost it when his donkey instincts took over and kicked the spitter into the T-Rex's mouth. He was about to start combing the ground looking for it when he noticed the T-Rex chewing and swallowing the spitter. When the T-Rex disappeared from sight, Dobby realized exactly where his missing emergency bean had landed.

Dobby now noticed the quickly growing dot in the sky that had attracted Hedwig and Harry's attention. He was a bit appreciative that they didn't notice the massive disappearing T-Rex. As he watched the dot he seemed to get the feeling this was some imminent unavoidable danger. "Patch! We need to eat beans right now. Hooters, hang on, we need to go."

Hedwig's eyes were wide and she was nodding fervently.

Harry asked "What's your hurry?"

Dobby pulled out the beans and gave Harry one to match his. "Patch, did you notice when your spell in the air ended?"

Harry shook his head. "To be honest, I'm not sure it did. I thought I saw it or felt it still when it made it into outer space."

Dobby was nodding his head urging Harry to hurry up.

"Oh wow, the dot is a lot bigger now. It's got a funny looking shape too."

Hedwig bit down hard on Harry's ear again.

"Okay fine, Hooters. Sheesh." Harry said. "Beans on three. One. Two. Three."

And just as the dot grew large enough to block out the sun from the field they were in, Harry, Dobby, and Hedwig disappeared.

65 million years in the future, in the middle of the twentieth century, downtown Tokyo was being terrorized by the inexplicable appearance of what Japanese aurors called a gigantic wingless dragon. The magical government did their best to obliviate the entire city of the knowledge of the rampaging beast, but not even they could stop the rumors spreading like wildfire. The creature made it to the ocean and disappeared but the legend of the beast grew. When Dobby found out what had happened, he truly meant it when he said, "Oops."

_**

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	3. Tea Time

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

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CHAPTER TWO – Tea Time**

After a long and disturbingly nauseating trip, the three time travelers reappeared for an unknown reason ten feet up in the air. They had enough time for Harry to shriek like a girl, Dobby to exclaim, "Wubba!" and Hedwig to squawk indignantly. Hedwig managed to right herself and began hovering in the air. Harry and Dobby, both incapable of flight, came crashing down into the cold ocean water.

"Aieeee!" Harry shrieked again feeling the chilly temperature as he began to doggy-paddle to stay afloat.

"Master!" Dobby yelled as he struggled to stay at the surface of the water. "Patch!" He exclaimed in between great gulps of air. "Swim!" He added, unable to string two words together. "Can't!" He said as he began to sink.

Harry caught on to what Dobby was saying. "Hold on, Eddie!" He quickly grabbed a hold of Dobby and lifted him up into the cold air. He rested him on his shoulders, while he continued to doggy-paddle and keep from sinking.

"Oh thank you, Master." An extremely relieved Dobby said.

"Eddie." A shivering cold Harry said. "No problem." He shuddered and began to fear he was going to go into shock. "Eddie." He said, before pausing and getting out, "Warming charm."

"Oh sorry, Patch." Dobby said and with a snap of his fingers the air and water around Harry began to heat up to an extremely comfortable temperature.

"Lovely." Harry said calmly in spite of his frantic little arm movements. "Umm, Eddie? Do you happen to see land in any direction?"

Dobby squinted his eyes and looked in all directions. "Nope, Patch. I don't."

Harry considered his options and came to a conclusion. "Well crap on a stick."

"But," Dobby interjected. "I think Hooters does. She seems to want us to follow her in that direction."

"Brilliant!" Harry exclaimed. "Thanks Hooters! Lead the way!"

Hedwig flew down and puffed herself up proudly before beginning a lackadaisical pace that Harry could maintain with his unimpressive doggy-paddling prowess.

Harry was not a very accomplished swimmer, but he was able to keep them from drowning, and Dobby was able to keep them warm. They had a long doggy-paddle ahead of them, so Harry started off their conversation.

"Umm, Eddie? Was that dot in the sky what I think it was?"

"I think that depends on what you think it was."

"Good point. I think it was an alien spaceship coming to take over the planet."

"In that case, no, I don't think it was what you think it was."

"Oh." A deflated and confused Harry said. "So what do _you_ think it was?"

"I believe you tried to summon a rock, and that was just what you did."

"There's rocks in the sky?"

"No Patch. That's not what I meant."

"Oh."

"I think you summoned an asteroid or a small planet or something from outer space. Not from the sky."

"Ohhhhhh." Harry said thinking that made sense. "That makes sense."

"I thought so."

"Because I mean, I'd think the aliens could resist my summoning charm."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Patch." Dobby explained with a chuckle, enjoying his slow ride towards land. "There aren't too many things out there that can resist your charm."

"Oh you're just a barrel of laughs, aren't you?"

"You focus on the paddling, Master. Don't try to take on too many things and confuse yourself by thinking."

"Oi! Alright then, Eddie? You ready for your first swimming lesson?"

"Sorry Master. I just know if you think that you're thinking and then you think about thinking that you're thinking, you might pull a brain muscle, and it's more important that you paddle than start pulling muscles."

Harry started snickering while he was paddling.

"Not that kind of muscle pulling, Patch. Now keep her steady as she goes. I see land."

"Come on Eddie! Say it for me!"

Dobby smiled brightly and yelled, "Land ho!"

They made it to a nearby dock and saw signs marking this as the port of Boston.

"Boston, eh?" Dobby said with his Canadian accent. "We're in the States."

They snuck there way to a deserted part of the pier and Harry used his wand to dry them off. "Well we know where we are, let's see when. _Tempus_."

The spell responded _3:17 PM December 16th, 1773_.

"Hey! We're less than a century 'til the headmaster is born." Harry stated. He pulled out his trunk, enlarged it and changed his clothes. He also grabbed a few owl treats. "Hooters!"

Hedwig flew down and landed on Harry's shoulder. "Here you go, girl." He said offering her the owl treats. "You saved us again. Thanks for that."

Hedwig just nodded and with her eyes replied. "I only did it for the owl treats."

"What the jeeves is going on down here?" A staunch and proper professional looking man demanded. Bustling next to him was an agitated younger man.

Harry looked at Dobby and Hedwig and replied. "Just minding our own business. Nothing to see here."

"Well around these parts, everything is my business." He said with a pompous sneer.

"Not too friendly, are you?" Harry asked.

The younger man gasped. "You will treat the governor with respect!"

"Governor?" Dobby asked.

Both men jumped startled, as they hadn't expected the odd looking midget to speak.

"Yes, I am Governor Thomas Hutchinson." He said with his chin held high so he would look down on others. "And who might you be?"

"Well, 'ello, gubner!" Harry said with a smile. "I'm Patch and this is Eddie." He finished jabbing his thumb towards Dobby.

"Patch? What sort of name is that?" The Governor replied. He scrutinized Harry closely. "Are you a pirate?"

"A pirate? Golly. I'm as much a pirate as Hooters here is a parrot." Harry responded as he gently rubbed the top of Hedwig's head.

"That's not a parrot at all!" The man who had yet to introduce himself exclaimed.

"And who might you be?" Harry boldly reiterated.

"Hmph." The man replied before puffing himself up. "I am Percival Wellingsby. Personal Assistant to the Governor."

Harry wasn't too impressed but he was grinning at the comparison his mind was making. He mockingly acted impressed. "Pleased to make your acquaintance. Now I think we'll just be going."

"Not so fast," the Governor interrupted. "If you're going to be parading your savage around, I need to know if he is a danger to me… err I mean the public."

Harry looked over his left shoulder, and then looked over his right. "My _savage_?"

The governor sniffed haughtily and pointed at Dobby. "I assume this Indian belongs to you. Otherwise, we must arrest him for disturbing the peace."

"Disturbing the peace?" Harry asked incredulously.

"Indian?" Dobby asked with a raised eyebrow.

Wellingsby frowned and seemed to be inspecting Dobby. "This _Eddie_ certainly is the most peculiar Indian I've ever seen. If he even is an Indian."

Harry panicked and said, "Of course he's an Indian. What else would he be?"

Dobby turned and gave Harry an unhappy but curious look.

The Governor took a step forward closer to Dobby. He apparently felt this lower life form would understand English better if it was said really loudly. "TELL ME, SAVAGE. WHY IS YOUR EAR SO REPULSIVE?"

Dobby growled, while Harry quickly put a calming hand on Dobby's shoulder. Harry answered, "Oh err, scalping practice accident, you know." Harry chuckled nervously.

"Practice?" Wellingsby asked askance.

"Sure," Harry said. "It's not like they're born with instinctive scalping skills. Takes dedication. And heart."

"And a tomahawk." Dobby added.

"So you really _are_ an Indian?" Wellingsby asked in a much more normal voice.

Dobby looked at Harry, who was nodding vigorously. "Certainly, err… umm… I mean, 'How, white man.'" Dobby stiffly said holding up his left hand. It was the common way to greet the evil invaders who were going to rape your land, destroy your people, and eradicate your entire culture.

Harry looked at Dobby sincerely impressed. He turned to the Governor and said "Don't worry. My friend here wouldn't dream of upsetting your civil peaceful life here."

Hedwig chirped a laugh and got stared at by Harry.

Harry plastered a fake smile across his face. "We'll just be on our way if you please. I don't suppose either of you two fine gentlemen could tell us a good place to get a nice cup of tea?"

"How dare you!" Wellingsby exclaimed.

The Governor stiffened and angrily asked, "Are you mocking me, _boy_?"

"Pardon me, sir," Harry said confused. "I meant no offense. We just would like a warm beverage to soothe our parched throats."

"So you're not one of _them_?" Wellingsby asked.

Harry looked at Dobby who shrugged before readopting his stiff posture. Harry replied, "Well I reckon I'm not one of them, but I can't be sure as I don't know what we're talking about."

The Governor smiled. "Just some low class ruffians, refusing to pay the duties they owe, and keeping us proper folk from being able to enjoy a nice cuppa. Tonight's the deadline for the ships to deliver their cargo and we're expecting trouble. But you seem to be cut from finer stock. We'll let you go on your way now. Enjoy your day."

Harry smiled and nodded even though inside he was mighty tempted to just curse these two pompous arses. "Thank you, Governor. Good day."

As they were walking away and just as Hedwig was about to start chirping Harry's ear off, the Governor offered one last bit of advice. "Oh, and keep a firm hold on your savage. We don't want any _accidents_." He said the last word with a warning undertone.

Dobby hadn't turned around and was reigning in his anger, while Harry just frowned, turned, and nodded. They had only gone a few steps further when Dobby clapped his hands together, and Harry saw the telltale glow of magic. Harry just smiled back at the Governor and his Assistant and hurried away with Dobby and Hedwig.

"Alright, Eddie, what did you do?" Harry asked once they were far enough away.

Dobby smiled his feral smile. "Just a small compounding diarrhea curse." Dobby answered innocently.

Harry guffawed. "Oh dear. What the heck is a compounding diarrhea curse?"

Dobby explained. "Gives him painful and excessive bowel movements. And then anyone he orders to do something gets diarrhea too. But he gets it twice as bad. Unless he orders another, then he gets it three times as bad. And so on, and so forth. Just depends on if he orders work."

"Oh man. That's twisted, Eddie. Where could I learn something like that?"

Dobby smiled. "Is old house elf prank. Elves felt they deserved to be punished like Masters, just maybe not quite as much as Masters."

"That's ruddy brilliant!" Harry exclaimed. "Alright, let's find someplace to get some food, and see if there really isn't any tea in this town."

Hedwig didn't feel up to some dingy pub, so she flew off on her own. Harry had pieces of parchment and metal that were already charmed to appear like whatever currency a proprietor was expecting. Harry and Dobby found a decent looking place called a very unoriginal 'Tavern'. Harry and Dobby entered and asked, "Can a fella get a decent meal here?" A man sitting at the bar yelled back. "You can get a meal here. But I'd never call it decent."

"Oh shush, Sammy," the man behind the bar said. "Sure. We'd be happy to serve you. As long as you got the money for it."

"Great!" Harry responded. "Can a guy get a cup of tea to go with a meal?"

The bartender nearly dropped his glass.

"Hey!" A drunk guy, a few seats down from Sammy, exclaimed as he jumped out of his seat. "We don't take kindly to people asking for a cup of tea in these parts."

The bartender was a bit frightened. He tried to mollify the drunk guy. "Now, Skeeter, we don't want no trouble."

Harry was a bit unnerved to see Skeeter calmed immediately, seemingly unconcerned, and sat right back down. He wondered if anything good would come of calling this man 'Rita'. Harry doubted it.

"So that pompous arse was right?" Harry said as he and Dobby walked in and sat themselves down at a table not far from the bar. "There really isn't any tea because people refuse to pay a duty?"

"You ain't exactly from around here, are you?" Sammy asked from the bar.

"Not exactly, no." Harry said with a winning smile.

"Well," Sammy began. "Some rich politicians across the ocean seem to think they have a right to completely govern our lives."

"Aren't you all citizens of that government, though?"

"Well… I mean, that's not the point." Sammy responded a little flustered. "They, over there, should not be dictating us, over here. This isn't even about what's in our best interests. It's just them trying to rub it in our faces that we're second class citizens. The rejects of that land who just wanted to practice our religion and not be persecuted for it. Well this aggression will not stand. No taxation without representation. That's what we say. Without a voice in a government representing the colonists' interests, we got no way to prevent ridiculous insulting duties being levied."

"Ahhh," Harry said with dawning understanding. "You're the low class ruffians."

"Excuse me?" Sammy asked.

"I had a brief run-in with the _esteemed_ Governor Hutchinson." Harry explained. "Complete pompous arse, from what I could tell."

Sammy, Skeeter, and the bartender were all chuckling.

"He warned me about the 'low class ruffians' refusing to pay proper duties. Little does he know, low class ruffians are usually my favorite kind of people."

"Yeah, that sounds like the Gubner alright." Sammy explained. "He refused to let the ships leave without unloading their tea, despite the fact that we refuse to pay the duties for the tea."

"What?" Harry exclaimed. "You mean all this time the tea is just sitting out there on the boats?" Harry asked, terribly disappointed in these people. "And yet still you drink this dredge called _coffee_?"

"Well," Sammy rationalized. "It's a matter of principle. And for the record I don't drink the dredge. I just drink beer."

"Yes, yes, yes." Harry nodded. "Principle's great and all. Stick by those. But, you're supposed to be low class ruffians! Take advantage of that fact."

"What do you mean?" Sammy asked.

Dobby feared what was coming next.

"Refuse to pay the duty. Stick by your principles." Harry pointed out as though this was as clear as day. "But for the love of Darjeeling, _low class ruffians_!" Harry yelled while pointing all around the room at everyone. Harry waited and saw no one, other than perhaps Dobby, understood what he was saying. "We can go steal the tea!"

Dobby could feel the wheels of chaos had already begun turning. He made sure that both he and Harry would have magic beans ready to leave in an instant.

"Steal the tea!" Skeeter exclaimed. "Why didn't I think of that!"

"Maybe I was wrong about you." Harry shook his head in sadness looking across at Sammy, Skeeter and the bartender. "Maybe, you all are _middle_-class ruffians."

"Hey!" Skeeter exclaimed indignantly. "We don't take kindly to folks calling us middle-class in these parts."

Harry meekly replied, "Now, Skeeter, we don't want no trouble."

Sammy and the bartender chuckled, as Skeeter sat back down appeased.

"Besides, Skeeter, don't you want to get that tea?"

Skeeter nodded.

"How bout it, Sammy? You ready to live up to your title of low class ruffian?" Harry asked.

Sammy was hesitant. "I have a healthy respect for the law and fear this may hinder our moral standing. Particularly at a time when we are trying to stick to our principles."

"But you are sticking to your principles! You're refusing to bow to the demands of The Man! You won't accept them just throwing out any new law or duty your way. You need to make a stand. You need to tell them, you're mad as hell, and you're not going to take it anymore! You need to stick it to The Man!" Harry was picking up steam. "And by God, if that as a result leaves you with plenty of delicious tasty tea to drink, then that is the burden you must shoulder! And considering this latest duty, you know there have been many duties in the past, which you paid, and they probably had little to no regard for your wellbeing either. Consider _that_ the payment for the tea you deserve. Now it's just a matter of taking what is yours by right to take. You have an obligation to respond, and to stick it to The Man!"

And at that moment, a fire was lit deep in the heart of Sammy. A fire that would spread all across the colonies. They were mad as hell and they weren't going to take it, well, too much longer.

"I'm in." Sammy declared.

Skeeter had tears in his eyes. "That was beautiful, err… umm… what'd you say your name was again?"

"Oh, sorry." Harry said with a sheepish shrug. "The name's Patch. And this here is my friend, Eddie."

"Evening gents." Dobby bowed his head and said. "And don't take Patch here too seriously. He has a bad habit of inciting revolution whenever he can."

"A revolution!" Harry exclaimed. "Brilliant! Forget sticking it to The Man! Become your own Man!" Harry turned to Sammy, "Then me and Skeeter can stick it to you! You and your uppity principles." Harry was growling at Sammy by now.

Dobby cleared his throat. "Patch," Dobby said shaking his head sadly. "Remember, in public, you have to think before speaking. That was our agreement."

"Fiddlesticks, Eddie." Harry pouted. "You're no fun."

"A revolution…" Skeeter said nodding his head. "I like me the sound of that."

"You can't seriously be suggesting…" Sammy asked incredulously.

"Baby steps, Sammy. Baby steps." Harry explained. "First, we take care of our tea problems, and see how The Man reacts. If he's open and honest and fair, and treats us as quality legitimate citizens of the government with the rights and responsibilities we deserve then we got a pretty good deal. If not, then well… we'll see. Besides, a revolution takes time."

Sammy nodded, half-agreeing with this insane young gentleman.

"At least a good couple days of planning." Harry finished. "But tea, tea we should take care of tonight. So come on Sammy, Skeeter, unnamed bartender. What can you tell me about these boats with the tea?"

Sammy thought about it. "I'm pretty sure there are three of them with the stuff just sitting out there at the port. Let me get my old buddy Tommy. He knows a lot more about this."

"Tommy, eh? Not Tommy the Guv'ner, I hope." Harry cautiously inquired.

"No, no. Thomas Paine. He's actually an excise officer, but he's a good chap."

"Ahh okie." Harry said. "I used to know a Tommy."

"Friend of yours?" Sammy asked.

"Naw. Horrible horrible person. Literally the worst sort."

"Oh." Sammy uncertainly responded.

"Don't worry." Harry said with a smile and a nod. "I killed him."

"Umm..." was able Sammy could say.

"He deserved it. I'm not some bloodthirsty killer." Harry began to realize that this information might not sit well with them. "And in fairness, I did sacrifice my life to kill him."

"Err…" Sammy added.

"Oh, I'm not crazy either. It was just a little case of death. I got better. It wasn't the big one."

Skeeter chuckled. "Little death. You know what the French call 'Little Death'?"

Harry frowned and took a guess. "Those horrid hats they always wear?"

Skeeter got confused picturing some truly scary hats.

Dobby could see Sammy really didn't know what was going on. "Settle down, Patch. I'll explain it to you when you're older. Sammy, you want to go get your friend Tommy now?"

"Yeah…" Sammy said. "I'll just… go now."

A few minutes later, another gentleman entered the bar, with a pale Sammy following behind him.

"Evening. You must be Patch," the man said sticking out his hand to shake. "I'm Tommy."

"Pleased to meet you Tommy. To be honest I got the feeling Sammy here was making a run for the hills."

Tommy laughed. "Oh he was trying to, but when I heard what you wanted to do tonight, I knew it was too good to pass up."

"Lovely. So they tell me, you know where the tea is at?"

Tommy nodded. "Yup. There's three boats with it. And I can get a group of fifty stand-up guys to help us with this. I completely agree with the need to stick it to The Man. And frankly, I think a revolution may be unavoidable."

"You got yourself a whole bucketful of common sense there, don't you Tommy?" Harry replied with a smile.

Tommy immediately took a liking to this young low class ruffian. "I used to wonder that until I realized so few others had any common sense." Tommy smiled. "It's amazing how many of those types of people are politicians."

Harry looked out the window. "Alright, it's getting dark out. So we need to come up with a plan real quick like here. Tell me what you know about the tea, where it's at, who's guarding it, anything."

Tommy got a serious look on his face. "Three ships out in the harbor. The Dartmouth, the Eleanor, and the Beaver. The Governor is supposed to have a dozen men there tonight, including himself to ensure no one messes with it. I'm not sure, but I think it's two stationed on each ship, and the Governor and a half dozen others armed with muskets patrolling the port. So exactly how we're going to pull this off, I am quite curious about."

Harry smirked. "Well I happen to have strong faith in the fact that the Governor and perhaps a fair amount of the people working for him are going to be having extremely upset stomachs. A common affliction us low class ruffians refer to as the 'chocolate trots'."

These men showed their mettle by giggling at the picture Harry's words were painting.

"I doubt we're lucky enough to have grounded all of them to the porcelain bus, but it should be significantly less opposition than planned. As for how, they seem to be expecting some trouble, so what we need to do is give them something they're not expecting."

Harry was thinking and was tapping himself on the chin. "You know, the Governor took particular offense to my friend Eddie here."

Dobby growled. "He seemed to think I was an Indian. And he seems to have a pretty low opinion of Indians."

"In a show of solidarity, and as a perfect distraction," Harry suggested. "I say we all make ourselves look like Eddie."

Tommy and Sammy and Skeeter all looked at each other. "How are we going to manage that?"

"Well with magic of course." Harry said obviously. Dobby responded by pinching Harry extremely hard, who fell to the floor like a ton of bricks squealing in pain.

"What Patch here means, is the magic of _disguises_. The mystery of the unknown."

"No, that's not what I mean_neeeooooowww_!" Harry finished in another squeal.

"As touched as I would be by the gesture," Dobby said. "Perhaps, it would infuriate the Governor more if we pretended to be Indians."

Harry finally stood up, rubbing his pinched thigh. "Actually, that's a pretty good idea. If we encounter any resistance, they'll recognize that we're Indians and fear us."

"But I want to look like Eddie!" Skeeter whined.

Tommy looked at Skeeter oddly. He turned to Harry who just shrugged. Tommy replied, "Perhaps you can Skeeter. We've already identified that the Governor seems to associate that look with Indians."

"Alright," Harry continued. "We're going to need three chiefs for our tribes. One for each boat. Tommy, I think you should be one, and get the fifty stand-up guys to help us. Personally, I think I should lead another, and Eddie should lead the third. Me and Eddie have some experience in low class ruffian work, as well as weaseling our way out of tight spots. That said I call dibs on the Beaver."

"Damn!" Dobby replied. "I'll take the Eleanor then."

"And that will leave me and my tribe to get the Dartmouth. So the plan is to just hope no one is there, and grab the tea, and walk off with it?" Tommy asked.

"Well personally, I hope it's not as boring as you describe it, but yah. You got the gist of it." Harry stated. "If we run into any trouble, just yell out an Indian war whoop. And the other two tribes will stop what they're doing and either come help, or run for cover. I definitely don't plan to get pinched, and more than likely no one's going to get hurt. Let's not hurt anyone patrolling, just doing their job if you can avoid it. Sound good?"

Tommy shook his head and smiled. "Yeah, just let me get drunk first. I'm getting a little scared."

"Tell your friends to get into disguises and we'll meet up near the docks at about 9. After that, come on back here and we can get drunk together before heading towards the docks."

* * *

Harry and Dobby had made a couple of Indian disguises for themselves. Even Hedwig was resting on Harry's shoulder, because you know, Indians and animals get along and stuff. 

They broke up into their groups and they all made their way onto the boats without anyone noticing. Harry was leading about fifteen other guys, all with very poor disguises. Just as they had planned they encountered nearly no resistance at all. Harry told his men to pair up and they could together each carry a large crate of tea.

"Halt! Who goes there?" an unwelcome voiced called out to Harry in the lead. He and a friend of Tommy's named Paulie immediately stopped moving. They just stood there holding a large crate of tea, hoping perhaps this guard had extremely poor eyesight and wouldn't spot them if they weren't moving. Not the best plan in the world, but Harry figured it was worth a try.

"I can see you right there. What are you doing with that crate?"

Harry subtly shook his head at Paulie indicating he shouldn't make any sound.

"You know I can see you. You shook your head."

Harry and Paulie slowly set the crate down. Harry turned to the guard. "How, white man."

"How?" he asked. "With my eyes, you imbecile."

Harry tried to do some quick thinking but only gave himself a headache. Perhaps getting drunk just before coming wasn't the best idea. "Me, Chief One-Eye. Chief One-Eye strong. Chief One-Eye muscle."

"You honestly expect me to believe you're an Indian?" the guard asked.

"Chief One-Eye not know." Harry said with a shrug. When his partner groaned, he added, "Paulie Red Ear shut mouth."

"Alright," the disbelieving guard said. "Prove to me you're an Indian."

Harry thought about it. "Chief One-Eye could scalp you?"

"No, no. No scalping tonight." The guard irritably exclaimed.

Harry smiled and looked towards the rest of his tribe. "Chief One-Eye needs peace pipe. Who have peace pipe?"

Apparently no one in his tribe brought a peace pipe.

"Hmm, no pipes and no drums. How about you make your Indian war call?"

Harry began coughing. "Chief One-Eye smoke peace pipe too much. Chief One-Eye have low voice."

The guard smirked. "Chief One-Eye better improve I'll be firing my bangstick at Paulie Red Ear."

Harry sighed loudly. When the guard began to point his musket at Paulie, he started up with a very quiet whooping sound and was tapping his mouth in a poor attempt to mimic an Indian.

"That doesn't sound like any Indian I've ever heard of. You're supposed to be loud. Say goodbye to Paulie Red Ear."

Harry quickly gave in and began whooping as loud as he could. It echoed around the port in the crisp quiet night.

Immediately there after, a great number of splashes were heard as his fellow tribesman were apparently abandoning their plan and getting while the getting was good. The quickest solution was for the pairs of people to heave their crates overboard. It wasn't long before they were all doing that, except for the tribe still on the Beaver.

"Hey!" the guard yelled across the docks. "What are you doing! Stop that!"

Harry scrambled forward to the guard. "Chief One-Eye has secret to tell white man."

Harry moved forward and wrapped his arm around the guard. With his right hand on his crudely fashioned tomahawk held behind the guard's back, he leaned over and whispered into his ear, "_Stupefy_!"

The guard crumpled to the floor unconscious. Harry was then extremely grateful that Dobby had the bright idea to tie a rock to his wand and call it a tomahawk.

Paulie was shocked to see the man go down. "What did you do to him?"

Harry thought about it and answered, "Vulcan Death Grip. Chief One-Eye trade secret."

Paulie shook his head at him.

"Alright guys, it sounds like we may have lost the tea on the other boats, but we can still salvage this stuff. Let's get going." Harry explained.

"Patch!" Paulie franticly called. "Chief One-Eye!"

"What?" an irritated Harry asked.

"The British are coming! The British are coming!"

Harry looked over and saw more guards making their way towards the boats, being led by the Governor. "Crap on a stick!"

Harry began looking around for options and saw none. "Alright. We've got to cut our losses, but let's not let them have any tea. Toss the rest of 'em overboard, guys. On three. One, two, three!"

Harry explained, "Alright, I figure the others all got away already. I'm going to lead and distract them. You all just run for it. Preferably in different directions." Harry ordered. "Hooters! A little help, please?"

Hedwig, who had been circling above them swooped down. She knew she only had one shot, so she needed to make it count. She flew right towards a guard making him fall to the ground to duck, and lined herself up. She timed it just right and laid an egg. Nailed the Governor right between the eyes and he fell backwards on his rump screaming bloody murder.

Harry began sprinting towards the guards. "Chief One-Eye highly contagious!" He began whooping his Indian war cry. "Chief One-Eye give back white man sick!"

The guards who had been taking aim all stopped and began sprinting away from the small rampaging Indian tribe.

Paulie saw the remaining guards helping the Governor up and scurry away. "I cannot believe that worked."

Harry had stopped his angry chanting and loud foot stomping now. "If there's one thing I've learned, it's that people are stupid." Harry smiled at Paulie. "Present company excluded."

"No no," Paulie said. "No. Trust me. We're stupid too."

"Yes we most definitely are. Let's go see how Eddie and Tommy's tribes did. I'm sobering up, and that's never good news for anybody."

* * *

Dobby was sitting in 'Tavern' waiting on Harry to show up. Harry and Paulie walked in the door. Harry spoke first, "You might want to check your intel there, Tommy. There must have been fifty guards on the Beaver." 

Tommy, who was once again three sheets to the wind, asked, "Really?"

Paulie rolled his eyes. "I think Chief One-Eye lacks some basic mathematical skills."

Dobby smiled and asked. "I'm going to guess he was off by somewhere between 49 and 50 in his estimation."

Paulie just laughed at the blushing young man, indicating the accuracy of his friend's assessment.

Harry growled. "Maybe I should have just let him shoot Paulie Red Ear." He said and stuck out his tongue at the man. "So did anyone get any tea at all?"

Dobby and Tommy shook their heads. Tommy said, "Although Sammy was quoting me his dying requests."

"Oh shush," Sammy scolded. "What the hell were we thinking? Trying to steal three boatloads of tea."

"Beats me," Harry said. "But did you guys chuck it all overboard?"

"Yup," Dobby said with a nod.

"Sure thing," Tommy said with a smile.

"Us too," Harry concurred. Harry considered whether the night overall was a success or not. "Well, we may not have gotten our tea, but we did stick it to The Man."

Tommy cheered. "Yeah we did!"

"And," Harry added. "For what's it worth, my owl laid an egg that hit the Governor in the face and knocked him on his arse."

Everyone started cracking up at that one. Skeeter even fell out of his bar stool.

"Alright, fellas. I think it's time I headed on out of here. I definitely think, if the government's giving you any lip over this tea thing still, you really should show some backbone."

"You're going?" Tommy asked with a sad face.

Dobby nodded at Harry. Harry smiled and said, "Yeah. The Governor saw my face. And my owl. And will probably come looking for me. You all can deny everything, thanks to your ingenious disguises." Harry said proudly. "And honestly, no tea? I can't stay around here. That's just madness."

"You really think we should revolt?" Sammy asked.

Harry immediately retorted, "Well, no," He shrugged, "not if you're a bunch of pussies."

"Oi! Watch it." Tommy smiled back.

"You know," Harry drawled. "If you really want to stick it to 'em…" Harry paused making sure he had their attention. "You should really try and get off the tea. Start getting hooked on coffee. That'll show The Man."

Sammy gave him a mirthful smile. "I'll try and trick some friends into it. But not for me. For me? Beer. Always a good choice."

"Good call, Sammy." Skeeter cheered.

"You're always welcome here," Tommy said.

Harry shook his head. "I'd end up destroying this place. I mean you lot have known me for just a few hours and already we've committed several major felonies together."

Dobby smiled and added. "Yes. Think of the women and the children."

They all bid their goodbyes and Harry and Dobby headed back to a dark alley. Harry called Hedwig down and they were about to eat their beans when Harry held out his hand to stop Dobby. "Wait." Harry was thinking. "That Governor really rubbed me the wrong way. And I mean... well... you, Eddie, you gave him diarrhea. And you, Hooters, squirted an egg right on his face. What have I done?"

Dobby shook his head. "Master, you have just put him on the wrong side of an upcoming revolution."

"Really?" Harry asked amazed.

Dobby nodded and made a show of putting his magic bean in his mouth.

"I guess it'll have to do. Hang on, Hooters." Harry said grabbing hold of Hedwig. "Three, two, one." And with only a small burst of light, the three disappeared from the city of Boston.

_**

* * *

Author's Note:** For those curious about just what sort of learning I have tricked them into: Paulie Red Ear was Paul Revere, who got a little practice in on his famous line. Thomas Paine writes Common Sense and helps start the revolution. And of course Sammy, a.k.a, Samuel Adams, actually has nothing to do with the beer I kept serving him and ad campaigns he quoted. If you're feeling daring look up the history. There all just vague enough that you must wonder, were Patch and Eddie really there? Reviews are appreciated.  
_


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